5:38 AM
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Today, a big black cloud blew into my world and enshrouded me in the chilly darkness. After that, there was still lightning to blind my vision and thunder to jarr my ears. Before this, i was already surrounded by gloominess, its as if all was not enough.I remembered the last time i was so upset about my results was during my pschool days, i forgotten whether it was p3 or p5. I scored 78/100 for my maths exam. All along i was allowed only a band 1- 85 above and usually i got a 91 and above which is an A*. Its so long ago and besides that i hardly had a time when i got worried about my results, or more like i never got a shock when i received my papers. All along i could at least get at least what i had given, although not the 100% that i sowed, but at least 70% of it.I will never forget how my maths promo paper gave me the shock today.just blew me off for a moment, that i hardly believed what i saw, that when he told me "its very badly done", how i wish he would cont with "just kidding", that when i counted my marks, i hoped so badly to see some sort of wrong calculation of marks.No.None of it came. The papers after did not seem to matter to me anymore. Im numbed. For the first time, i felt such a big loser. I felt as if whatever i do will not work. I hate it. But i cant help it.Im so glad my tchr talked to me about it, even looked through my paper. Maybe its my carelessness, maybe my complacentness, maybe i just dint do enough practices which i kinda think so, mayb i dint practice with time, mayb its exam stress, and some others which i dunno if they are reasons..i hope not. cos they did come during every paper of mineAll the complications, i hope i knew what to do, i hope i know why, so that i will not take the long road.God please lead me the way, this is truly a wake up call for me, to make me relook and rethink all the things around me. Some things i have brushed aside, i really must think thru it given this time as next year is really an important one for me and that i wun wan anything to mess it up. I just pray whatever is planned for me, is the best outcomne for everybody. But for now, im truly lost.I kinda lost the confidence which my mummy helped built up in me when i was in p6 to sec 1. When i was too shy to even speak up in front of friends. Dun let me go back to starting point.Thanks to those who stayed with me today. Really thank you so much rachel. I pray all goes well for you too. That it wont hurt so much for you. Hope that joy and seewei wont be so upset. Everything will be fine.In the past, i remember you were always there at the gates looking at me from behind it. I never notice much cos whenever i turn, i will see your familiar shadow there. I never worried about turning away.As time passes, your figure seems to fade into the surrondings..It became so hard to spot you. But nevertheless when i called, you would still come.But today in my darkest hour, the gates grew heavy with moss and willows, you were nowhere in sight. No matter how hard i called out to you, there was nothing in return, only the cold harsh wing slapping onto my cheeks.Lost, hurt, lonely. Labels: take me away
