enchanted by that smile

9:48 PM

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

eyes totally swollen. actually i wonder if one could ever stop crying cos the pain seems to get worse. i felt like i could go on and on. and the pain is still etching there.
in the day, i dont really dare to think, cos i dunno if i could reel myself back in time.

if only i could wake up craddling in your arms, with you telling me that all this is just a nightmare

how i wish to be really surrounded by the happiness that u put into me and lit a smile on my lips.

6:03 AM

Monday, November 09, 2009

pw op is finally over. after the year's preparation for it. its over. time really really flies but i enjoyed the time spent with my group and learnt a lot from each other. although i did not do very well for my QnA im just glad and thank God for giving me confidence and calm during my presentation.

i thank the support my grp mates have given me, and working with critical thinkers is rly fruitful and enjoyable.

now, i have to start studying hard for my chem repaper on the 23nov. hmmm with just IR left to be handed tmr, i feel lost and the spare time seems to be actually a medium to breed more thoughts.

again, i could hardly bathe today, with tears mixed with waters running down my face.

why why why is it so difficult to be happy.

i wish i realy could turn back time. so that i could love u more the times when u love me so much. thats my one big regret.

now, having been thru weeks i find it really hard to go back to the once innocent times, when i was really happy.

mayb the problem lies with me rite. that im demanding, that i expect too much.

i tried to change but its so hard. cos u stop appreciating

now i unstd what they mean by love is such a painful thing

i really dunno what to do. either way, im sad

its time to leave and set out on my own path

9:17 AM

Thursday, November 05, 2009

happy birthday daddy (:
wish u good health and we be a happy family forever (:

2:44 AM

Sunday, October 11, 2009

i wish i will know what happened.
i hate to be left hanging like this.
i feel all alone.

6:18 AM

Thursday, October 08, 2009

thanks for the bluberry cc yesterday and the c bread.

i pray that you get well soon. drink lots of water. take great care of yourself cos i cant really help much. besides all i can do now is send smses which everyone can also do the same.

you wun listen to anything i say anyway.

or mayb u already have others to do it for you...

i dunno how much i really matter anyway.

5:38 AM

Today, a big black cloud blew into my world and enshrouded me in the chilly darkness. After that, there was still lightning to blind my vision and thunder to jarr my ears. Before this, i was already surrounded by gloominess, its as if all was not enough.
I remembered the last time i was so upset about my results was during my pschool days, i forgotten whether it was p3 or p5. I scored 78/100 for my maths exam. All along i was allowed only a band 1- 85 above and usually i got a 91 and above which is an A*. Its so long ago and besides that i hardly had a time when i got worried about my results, or more like i never got a shock when i received my papers. All along i could at least get at least what i had given, although not the 100% that i sowed, but at least 70% of it.
I will never forget how my maths promo paper gave me the shock today.just blew me off for a moment, that i hardly believed what i saw, that when he told me "its very badly done", how i wish he would cont with "just kidding", that when i counted my marks, i hoped so badly to see some sort of wrong calculation of marks.
No.
None of it came. The papers after did not seem to matter to me anymore. Im numbed. For the first time, i felt such a big loser. I felt as if whatever i do will not work. I hate it. But i cant help it.
Im so glad my tchr talked to me about it, even looked through my paper. Maybe its my carelessness, maybe my complacentness, maybe i just dint do enough practices which i kinda think so, mayb i dint practice with time, mayb its exam stress, and some others which i dunno if they are reasons..i hope not. cos they did come during every paper of mine
All the complications, i hope i knew what to do, i hope i know why, so that i will not take the long road.
God please lead me the way, this is truly a wake up call for me, to make me relook and rethink all the things around me. Some things i have brushed aside, i really must think thru it given this time as next year is really an important one for me and that i wun wan anything to mess it up. I just pray whatever is planned for me, is the best outcomne for everybody. But for now, im truly lost.
I kinda lost the confidence which my mummy helped built up in me when i was in p6 to sec 1. When i was too shy to even speak up in front of friends. Dun let me go back to starting point.

Thanks to those who stayed with me today. Really thank you so much rachel. I pray all goes well for you too. That it wont hurt so much for you. Hope that joy and seewei wont be so upset. Everything will be fine.

In the past, i remember you were always there at the gates looking at me from behind it. I never notice much cos whenever i turn, i will see your familiar shadow there. I never worried about turning away.
As time passes, your figure seems to fade into the surrondings..It became so hard to spot you. But nevertheless when i called, you would still come.

But today in my darkest hour, the gates grew heavy with moss and willows, you were nowhere in sight. No matter how hard i called out to you, there was nothing in return, only the cold harsh wing slapping onto my cheeks.

Lost, hurt, lonely.

Labels: take me away

10:15 PM

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Its so long since i updated. I guess my blog died so long ago that no one would remember, which is the whole point.

Many things have come and gone, some good some bad. Some that i wished i had cherished much more when i had it. Cos no matter how hard i wish now, it will not ever be back i guess. In front of others, its best to be happy, esp my friends as i dun wan them to worry for me, and even if i have told them what could it do? just add on top to what they have already worried about.

I read sop's blog yesterday, she talked about the bottle of happiness that she wanted to give all of us. Everytime i see a friend upset, thats what i wish i could do to, tell them be happy, and they would be. But happiness just comes so hard. Maybe the only time we will be happy are the times when we are young and crawling, and memory from it is all but a blur now. And for me, besides the baby times, theres also the time when i was in primary one and the time around nineteen months ago. Those were the moments i really felt truly happy. The kind of feeling that just bubble through my whole being and its so overwhelming i seem to forget the world around me.

i am really grateful to each and every of my friends around me, esp my darling chics, who will be always there. Despite the harsh tones, they are really just showing their concern. I hope we will always be there for each other.

For some who are on the breaking point, i hope i can be there for you, even though my help to solve ur problem is minimal, i just wanna let you know that im here for you. Cos i know some things, only the people involved in it are able to settle, and i cant do much..

I thank you for the happy times you have given me, and truly, its the small thoughtful things that touched me most. That till now i still remember and smile at the small sweetness of it.

I have matured from the way things changed, from the way you changed, and as i learn more, i realised i dislike the reality we live in.

Maybe it so much better to be deceived.

To live in a decieved world.

Maybe the past past months, i have been living in your deceived world, thats why im so happy.

And when i peel off the facade..

Its felt so painful when i fell down, and even worse when i hid it all behind a smile.

I want to go back being a child. This world is too harsh, for all of us.

我的快乐，会回来的。。。

9:18 AM

Saturday, July 07, 2007

haf been bzbzbz...anywae todae...ok ystrdae ..damn cool 07/07/07, livearth...

next wk got chem test=(, n oso syf presentation on tues...but i tink still muz go mep=((.....

todae oso got d co handover...anywae..lazy blog so shall kope from cky blog..haha...d pics we took at tm starbucks when doin macbeth poster tgt...she all put nice nice le wif eefects so: thx CKY(=

our macbeth product=))

we did our work lo...

BUT......

camera fun !! haha..LOLS

we r rich..StArbuCKss....hot choc..

d curtain's fun to play...BUT...we din realise how much dirt its filled with..EW..

effects done wif thx to CKY..haha..i shall ask mi cousin install for mi!

Tts all for the time-being, o yEA, mi darl cousin came bac from aussie todae...wonder when can go out wif her but she came mi house today help mi install stuff..haha

n anywae i rarely had pics on mi blog is cos mi hp camera spoil le=(( game spoil camera spoil...sad larhh..

not much time to blog...n some things i rather not talk bout dem here...

tts wad secrets are for rite